inappropriate

And now, for your reading pleasure, a few things not to say in the emergency room:

Cast of characters:
Nature Boy
VirtualSprite
The Patient, my mother-in-law, who hates being sick

Scene:
The emergency room at our local hospital, where The Patient was taken with shortness of breath. She is tired and hungry and has been at the hospital for almost three hours. Her loving son and his beautiful wife also are tired. All three possess the same inappropriate sense of humor, which has been on display in emergency rooms elsewhere in the state.

Male nurse: (Trying to retrieve heart monitor nodules from The Patient's ample bosom) I'm so sorry, but...
The Patient: Oh, go for it. It's been a while since I've gotten to second base.

Radiologist: (Examining x-rays) Well, her heart looks fine.
VirtualSprite: She has a heart? That is good news.

The Patient: I feel better. I want to go home.
Nature Boy: Your oxygen levels are still very low. You can't go home.
The Patient: Yes, I can.
Nature Boy: If you go home, you'll die and no one will be there and it will be weeks before we find your body because we're uncaring children who don't visit.
The Patient: Well, so what?
VirtualSprite: Your cats will feast on your remains. They'll eat you and there won't be anything left of you, and that's just gross.
The Patient: At least they won't starve for a while.

Respiratory therapist: (Teaching The Patient how to use an inhaler) You press down here, inhale, hold your breath for three counts and then release.
(The Patient tries unsuccessfully to use the inhaler)
The Patient: I just don't get it. What am I doing wrong? I can't make it work.
VirtualSprite: Ma, it's just like taking a hit off a bong.
The Patient: (Looking accusingly at the respiratory therapist) Why can't you explain it like that?

The Patient: (After Nature Boy lets loose some particularly noxious gas) Oh, my god. That's horrible. How do you live with him?
VirtualSprite: Bad sinuses. I can't smell anything.
Nature Boy: Oh, come on, Ma. It's just gas. It's natural.
The Patient: I can't breathe it's so bad. I think that's why my oxygen levels are so low.

In short, my mother-in-law is in the hospital. She's not doing terribly well, but things are getting better. She has a respiratory virus and possible lung damage, but we're hopeful she'll be released soon.